why do i love the ocean

A year ago I wrote a draft of a post explaining why I loved the ocean, as to explain why I gave this blog the name aquapages. The problem is that I’ve yet to find the right word to describe how or why I love the ocean. So as I’ve put some thought into the design of this thing, finally, I thought why not post a little snippet of the explanation behind the name and the strange level of interest for someone who isn’t on or in the ocean that much.

I don’t think I could ever live in a place far from an ocean or any body of water that I can look out on. The light-dark-blue-green-black everchanging color calms me, the open space makes anything seem possible as my chest expands and is rid of worry, the endless movement energizes me. It makes me feel entirely too small and too grounded at the same time. I get the same feeling that drives people to look up at the nightsky. But when the nightsky seems the same every night, and my neck gets tired of arching the weight of my head, the ocean always seem to be right in front of me and different from an hour before.

I have never been happier in my life than when I feel my body floating, when all I am able to smell is salt. It eases pain, it’s probably the only time my body is all one temperature because my hands and nose are always too cold. Here in Norway, especially further north, the water is always too cold, too restless, too dangerous. I should curse the ocean, I should stay away and despise it. My mother is afraid of it, even before it took the latest family member. In a family of part-time fishermen more than a handful of people has been taken by the ocean at this point, even if I only know the name of the latest three of them. Still it’s just as dangerous as the beautiful nature here always is, a reminder of what humans never can conquer all of, something that never can be child proof. Small accidents are reminders to not make bigger mistakes. To be a good swimmer. We take our precautions, sometimes, but other times there’s whales – enormous whales, a flock of them, sprouting water from the holes in their back like in the kid’s cartoons and every tiny white plastic or wooden boat is trying to get as close as possible.

Have you ever seen how strange water moves? How sound travel in water? How objects move in water? How when the melted ice that’s river water meets the ocean it creates a weird mix that I’m not entirely too happy about because it’s not salty enough? (More salty water just smells different and tastes different and makes you float better, still people don’t understand my problem with it being less salty.) I can lie just beneath the water surface, sound warped just enough so that I feel isolated from my surroundings – but still aware of what’s happening – and watch the living world underneath me through a scuba mask for hours.

Maybe Reads #1 |Declutter My TBR

So I have a shelf of “maybe” reads on goodreads. Let’s try to clean it out, shall we? A bit of a spring clean. And then I didn’t post this until fall. But you get what I mean. I’ve already tried the Down the TBR Hole for trying to make this TBR shorter, but these books are more at random.

Rags & Bones by Marr, Gaiman and a lot more

Date: October 2016

Goodreads

Retelling of classic tales, which can be both really good or really bad.

Keep, if only for the Gaiman story

Timekeeper by Tara Sim

Date: December 2016

Goodreads

Reader friends seem to not like the execution, even if they like the idea of it.

Negatives: I’m not the biggest fan of badly done victorian style books, and the synopsis give me very little to go on. Also it is apart of a series.

Let go

Of fire and stars by Audrey Coulthurst

Goodreads

Negative: The synopsis of princesses and alliances of marriage wanted me to let this go

Positive: a promised big lesbian romance. This seems to be a trend for making me change my mind, hah.

Keep, for the lesbians

The song of all by Tina LeCount Myers

Goodreads

Negatives: synopsis gives me no idea of what this is

Positives: It’s set in the winter and scandinavian

Keep, it’s worth one try

The eagle tree by Ned Hayes

Goodreads

Positives: Main character is a young autistic boy, and I really want to read books from experiences I don’t know of.

Negatives: The goodreads rating is kind of bad (3.8). How is it about trees? I’m confused

Maybe?? I need some input

Girl, stolen by April Henry

Goodreads

Blind girl? Great. Kidnapping? Oh, well – Accidental kidnapping? NO, I’m out. That’s not my style, thinking about it.

Let go

The fact of a body: a murder and a memoir by Alexandra Marzano-Lesnevich

Goodreads

True crime, which I like, but I don’t remember why I added this book. All the reviews seem to say nothing of substace about what’s going on.

Maybe, confused about what the book is about

Exit west by Mohsin Hamid

Goodreads

Positives: Magical realism, romance during chaos and civil war, becoming refugees

Keep, and I really rediscovered how good this seems

a row of failed book posts. and seeing a psychologist. | Bi-Weekly Update

Ok, I hope I don’t have to specify how those two things were unrelated.

The lack of uploads are because of *drumroll* – me not reading anything! YEAH. NO. I hate it, but you know – starting university. My first meeting ever in a book club was a while ago and it went great, I talked mostly not about books with other people, but also lent out my copy of my favourite of Mary Oliver’s poetry collections; “A thousand mornings” (review linked) so I see that as a success. Anyway, we’re supposed to start with discussing “1984” by George Orwell and I haven’t even gotten to opening that book, let alone one I actually want to read.

New book posts:

Failed book posts:

So, I started a lot of book posts this summer and then I either didn’t finish them and let too much time pass or I just realized they existed, and they might be published soon-ish.

  • Shatter Me reread!!! It really held up, I loved it so much the first time and nearly equally much this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve read it now. I’m still amazed by how nuanced and morally gray all the characters are, and how amazingly Tahereh Mafi describes Juliette’s feelings of isolation and her transformation and personal change through the series.
  • Also I read Restore Me by Tahereh Mafi, the 4th book of the series. I never wrote that review either, mostly because I read the books so quickly that I mixed them all together in my head.
  • “Why I love the ocean” is a post I’ve had in the works for so long and never really got the final edit down on. I’m just going to force myself away from it and publish it as unfinished as it feels. There’s some things that just always could be made better.
  • Two other books I loved, but apparantly never reviewed??? (Don’t You) Forget About Me by Kate Karyus Quinn and Running with Lions by Julian Winters.
  • Lab Girl by Hope Jahren was my all year favourite book, and probably a review will be posted towards the end of the year – but I’ll have to reread it because I was so immersed in thinking about that story I forgot to write any of those thoughts down! I can’t recommend it enough, especially for people who want to look into one scientist’s life and made me so excited for university, even though I’m studying physics.
  • Posts about ways I try to declutter my way-too-long TBR
  • I started a series of posts called “reading my lowest rated books (on goodreads)” to find out the reasons behind it, but then I just stopped reading in general soo… some other time it will be a good idea?

Other books I’ve been reading:

  • Six Not-So-Easy Pieces by Richard Feynman (about physics, it’s the only thing I can allow myself to read right now hahhha). Six Easy Pieces (the first book in some ways) was a really good intro to physics for anyone.

Added to TBR:

IT’S THREE MEMOIRS! I love listening to memoirs on audiobook (it’s basically the only type of audiobook I really love), so I’m looking forward to this.

  • Over the Top by Jonathan Van Ness
  • Permanent Record by Edward Snowden
  • Antoni in the Kitchen by Antoni Porowski

Three things on my mind:

  • This last week sucked so badly, because of migraines. I’m really going to have to pull myself out of studying and doing fun things and put more effort into taking care of myself and getting myself to the doctor(s) to change some medicines.
  • About taking care of yourself; after moving by myself one thing I’ve really realized is that no one around me yet recognize how difficult certain things are for me. It should be a given, but it wasn’t. Mainly the small things. I made myself do the work necessary for paperwork connected with illness and hospital this week. I made myself agree to getting my first every appointment with a psychologist be moved up, even though I was freaking out for two days thinking about nothing else. I made myself go there, to be honest. And then it took a few more steps, with the guidance of that psychologist, to get me into the right place for more evaluation and eventually treatment. I’ve felt horrible all week, physically and mentally. But I did that. And I’m proud of myself for it.
  • Also I realized after that I really needed that first psychologist to believe me, to say that something was wrong with the way that I felt. Even though I knew she needed to refer me to someplace else, as her field is more general student problems and depression/anxiety, I needed that first person to agree with me that I was experiencing dissociation and to say what I was afraid of and call it (a most likely, and trying to be vague) disorder stemming from traumatic experiences. I don’t think what I brought to her table was what she expected that thursday morning, but I don’t feel too bad because of how intrigued she looked towards the end, trying to figure out which symptoms I was experiencing.

a little bit about mental crises

i had a person tell me he wanted to die, last week. that might be an abrupt beginning to this, but he told me very abruptly as well. i was cooking dinner. he was looking to tell someone. and he’d just gotten back for signing up for treatment. he wasn’t the first one who has told me so since i moved here for university, but he was the first one where i had no clue something was wrong. i told him as much, during our hours of conversations since.

but this isn’t about him, it’s some thoughts i’ve had afterwards. on a very personal level i’m glad i feel like a safe person to tell for more than one. on the other hand i’m the absolute worst person to tell because i have no distance or objectivity, having lived with pain and death and pain and death hanging over my head for so long. i tell everyone of them that, scared that i might make things worse by my understanding too much. not that i think i’ve ever really felt the deepest pits of depression.

a big problem with conveying mental health issues is that you need to be a damn good story teller to be able to portray it correctly. this guy’s descriptions and metaphors were vivid and won’t leave my head. whatever i’m feeling i can’t describe as eloquently.

i’m doing great since the move, really. since beginning university. that doesn’t mean i don’t live in a cycle of constant chronic pain because of illness and is tired down to my bones, sometimes. and sometimes lonely. today it’s because i really need someone who understands me and feels safe to hold around me and i haven’t yet found that here. i will, eventually.

The Uninvited Series by Sophie Jordan | Book Review

This series is only two books! Genre: young adult dystopia. I would consider this review spoiler-free in that you can read it to see if the book series is anything for you.

Book one – Uninvited: four out of five stars. Pages: 384

Book two – Unleashed: three out of five stars. Pages: 368

Uninvited is an interesting twist to the YA dystopian story with the (US) government going after and locking away people with a specific gene, nicknamed the kill-gene. It’s supposed to make a person predisposed to becoming homicidal and violent, which is why they’re removed from society before they do something illegal. The main character Davy started out as a normal girl, a musical prodigy with a bright future, and has all that taken away from her along with her family when she tests positive for the gene and is sent to be amongst others with it. It forms a really interesting setting with characters on different places on a sociopathic spectrum everywhere, which felt similar to Divergent’s Tris first meeting with the Dauntless group.

There’s an on-going moral struggle and dilemmas through the two books about whether Davy thinks of herself as a killer, and what it would take to make her kill someone. If it really is okay to ban all these people from regular society, before they’ve done harm, even if some of them are obvious lunatics. It also has the usual YA romance aspects, made more interesting by the fact that sociopathy and manipulation is surrouding them and making it so much more difficult to trust.

I liked the second book as well, but it took a different turn and reminded me more of Stephenie Meyer’s “The Host”, with an underground hiding place with a certain hierarchy – only filled with persecuted, possibly dangerous people. In some parts the plot had easy and predictable ways to resolve things, which is why it got a lower rating. My favourite thing about this series is how Davy isn’t the “nice girl” even if she started out normal. She adapts and nearly turn ruthless, but then she also holds on to her moral qualms. She’s very clearly a survivor, because it all pushes her down and she still keeps fighting, and I loved that about her through it all. In general this series is all about a person’s nature VS how societal persecution and expectations affects behavior and choices. With some cheesy things and YA romance, so be aware of that. It doesn’t go that deep, but it does bring a new dimension to the usual dystopia. Would absolutely recommend!

Short Reviews: Fencing & Geeks

Queens of Geek by Jen Wilde

DNF at 25%. I went into this book wanting to love it, but while I’m a huge nerd I don’t immediately relate to this type of geek culture, especially if it’s (this I’ve just realized is a huge pet peeve) based on a made-up fandom. The protagonist seem great and the anxiety so well portrayed, I just didn’t like the writing, which would’ve continued to be a problem. Would still recommend others to give it a try and make up their own mind.

The main character is bisexual, also has character who have asperger’s & dealing with anxiety, and queer love. Ownvoices for anxiety and Asperger’s.

Fence vol. 1-3 by C. S. Pacat

I was very intrigued by the characters, the sport aspect and the conflict. I wanted to love it so much. But then the graphic novels just delivered a row of fencing matches, in beautiful art style, but with little other excitement. There were mentions of stakes and motivation, but in the end, for someone who isn’t into fencing, they’re just two people lunging until one lose. And it’s not like it was given extensive back stories on each of the players, so you’re really rooting for them. In that way it felt like a «final tournament» to something we’ve not been there for the beginning of? What am I missing? Why is everyone liking this? The gay vibes are great, of course. I just wanted to know more about the characters, so I could follow this with some more interest.

Exciting New Book Releases Autumn 2019

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

Release date: 1. October

Why I want to read it: I’ve barely peeked at reviews, not wanting to be spoiled, but my excitement kind of faded with the mixed reactions I’ve seen. But it’s Leigh Bardugo and while I disliked the Grisha trilogy and loved the Six of Crows, I’m willing to give it a try. I do generally like darker themes in books..?

The Secret Commonwealth (The Book of Dust #2) by Philip Pullman

Release date: 3. October

Why I want to read it: I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVED LA BELLE SAUVAGE AND IT’S SO SHORT TIME UNTIL THIS BOOK WILL BE IN MY HAAAANDS. yes i’m extremely excited.

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater

Release date: 5. November

Why I want to read it: I’M SCREAMING OF EXCITEMENT. IT’S RONAN LYNCH’S LONG-AWAITING STORY. IT’S STEIFVATER- ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAV AUTHORS.

The Fowl Twins by Eoin Colfer

Release date: 5. November

Why I want to read it: I grew up loving the Artemis Fowl series and when I heard of this I was so damn excited. Along with the new tv adaption I’m really hoping to not be absolutely let down.

Winterwood by Shea Ernshaw

Release date: 5. November

Why I want to read it: I liked, but didn’t love, The Wicked Deep by the same author, but still I really liked the tone and writing of it and willing to give this a try too.

The Queen of Nothing by Holly Black

Release date: 19. November

Why I want to read it: It’s the third book of The Folk of the Air and while I disliked the second book, I’ve got too much invested. Also Holly Black is one of my fav authors. I’m just really nervous where this is going and I don’t like Jude not being ambitious and as cunning as she has shown herself to be, without reason. Aaaahhh.

Children of Virtue and Vengeance by Tomi Adeyemi

Release date: 5. December

Why I want to read it: The first book was a good fantasy, I’m waiting to see if this sequel can live up to it.

First weeks at university | Bi-Weekly Update

So I made a tiny update half a month ago, and then disappeared again. Well, it’s probably going to happen more this coming weeks. It’s currently 2 am, because that’s when I have actual time to myself anymore. Let start with some book things –

I’ve posted two scheduled posts, not even worth mentioning. What is more interesting is how I found “On Dublin Street” by Samantha Young from a twitter aesthetic photo, and started reading it immediately. It’s a not-at-all-well-written smut, but it was something to get me starting reading again between huge textbooks. In the beginning of August I also read and really liked the heavier and much more thought-provoking pieces of work that is Karamo’s memoir and Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan.

I’ve joined a book club on campus!

Or I’m going to, next week. I’m so excited about how cozy it’s going to be, and I’m definitely bringing blankets, sitting there sipping tea discussing books in real life for the first time in forever.

I’ve started university, first year bachelor in physics

My main worry was going into university with heavy courseload right off the bat, without time to get to know people. Well – yes and no? The first week was without many lectures or school, just a lot of info, but a completely full social program, meaning I was barely home from 8 am to like 2 am the next day. And then came a week with both MORE lectures than usual AND social happenings all the time (but luckily less partying, or at least I toned it down a lot). I’ve gotten to know the smartest, most inclusive, most nerdy (I really love how nerdy we all are) people. I really missed from high school the fact that, while I did have friends that cared about their subjects, I wanted someone to discuss things with that were genuinely interested in how and why behind science and not just focused on doing well to get into med-school or memorizing things.

I also live in a huge building with my own bathroom, but sharing kitchen with 14 other people. And while it does sound terrifying, it has gone okay (it’s still too dirty, we’re working on it), and it’s lovely to come home to people when you’re so far away from family. We have one international student among us, a master student from India, and he talked about how he hoped we would become a big family-like group. And I really hope so. I really connected with one girl and her friend the first day here, and she noted all of us living here were acting like “very introverted siblings who have care and warmth for each other when we meet in the kitchen, but all scatter to their own rooms straight afterwards to do their own things”.

I’m sorry to say I have had no time to catch up on people’s blogs! I miss writing reviews the most personally, and really hope things will calm down a bit sooner rather than later. It’s such a weird feeling being in this situation because every routine in my life has to be made from scratch, and until now I’ve had no regular schedule to work with. And also my room has been a mess of trying to find things packed in boxes. And I’ve been up to 2 am too often, and actually twice until 7 am, discussing books and the most nerdy shit at parties. While I’m not quite similiar to all the people I study with, I really find myself at ease among them.

Also, believe it or not (my parents surely don’t), I’ve already spent a lot of hours with my head in textbooks and chewing on pens trying to solve the same math problems for the past hour and getting ten different answers that all aren’t quite correct. (Fuck you, matrices). While I’m a physics undergraduate, I’ve got two math, one physics and one IT subject this year. It’s already been joked about how I, still using my fingers to count most of the time, managed to get into uni. Oh, how I wish I could calculate large numbers immediately as some I’ve met here. I’ve been warned by master students that this one physics course is THE TOUGHEST course they’ve taken (considering the level of knowledge they had at the time) and that the only good advice they can give is to just stick with it and never give up. So I’m planning on taking it one step at a time, trying to get to that finish line of first exams in December in one piece. But also, besides the book club, the math/physics students also have a lot of other things going on, of which I’m definitely joining producing 400 L of what’s called “wine” (with the quotes, yes I’m suspicious as well, something about making it from a concentrate).

In general, I’m so up in the skies, and so damn tired, that I really don’t know what to expect going forward. It’s been a lot this past month and while I’ve adapted to situations out of need this quickly before, I’ve voluntarily put myself out there and never before grown as much as a person as a result. Who knows, might be temporary.

Back to the books!

Added to my TBR recently:

  • The Incendiaries by R. O. Kwon (contemporary fiction. I saw something by the author on twitter – can’t remember what – that made me very interested in this book)
  • Wild by Cheryl Strayed (nonfic memoir)
  • Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee (sci-fi, space opera)
  • Conservation of Shadows by Yoon Ha Lee (short sci-fi/fantasy stories)
  • Bloom by Kevin Panetta & Savanna Ganucheau (lgbt YA graphic novels)
  • Sea Witch by Sarah Henning (YA fantasy, mermaids)
  • Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge (nonfic, feminism, race, politics)
  • Educated by Tara Westover (memoir)
  • Both these books were brought up and recommended by someone I got to know, so even if they’re quite out of what I would normally read, I’m hoping to pick them up and hopefully find some really interesting points in them